Babe, I’m a DJ

14Jun10

I’m pretty independent. I live on my own, well I would if I could afford it, so technically I live in a shared house with strangers (Who, as it turns out, aren’t that strange but certainly aren’t sociable) and the majority of my friends don’t live within a 100 mile radius of me. Not ideal but such is life after all. However, perhaps this distance and perceived isolation on the part of my Mother prompted her to give me some, as it turns out, terrible advice. For a good twenty-five out of my twenty-six years I have pretty much always ignored my Mother, however within some moment of weakness, brain hemorrhage or perhaps diet coke lull I took on board her advice and further than that put it in to practice.

Her advice, unsurprisingly, had to do with relationships. It appears, in her opinion, I am too picky. And, should in fact be making efforts to go on ‘dates’ in order to rectify my state of permanent singleness. Now, my Mother met my Dad at 17 and they have been together ever since so what knowledge she has of ‘dating’ you tell me. Still for some bizarre reason I took this on board. I don’t think I’ve ever really been out on a date in my life and I have surprisingly had, an albeit small amount of boyfriends. There was he who shall not be named, the now married one, the one I really, really, really liked and the one that ditched me for another girl from work. So yes not a vast amount of possible experience but I don’t think there was a ‘date’ amongst them.

So maybe that explains why I decided to heed the advice. I should be more approachable, less judgmental and say yes. All good points in theory except I am highly judgmental and I don’t have a problem with it. I am a reasonably good judge of character, situations, outfits, haircuts, drink choices, not so much shoes but you can’t be good at everything. I’m not approachable at all. But I don’t want to be, it works out nicely on public transport. Seat to myself? thank you very much, Megabus, Great Western train etc. Am I sat by the weird, unpleasant smelling man, I am I hell, he’s sat by you because you were foolish and let your guard down. I’ll enjoy my fresh air over here thanks very much.

Anyway so basically, I should change some key aspects of my personality and be a lot more open. Alright fair enough, it is worth a try, at the very least I might become a nicer person. So my next bar shift I decided to put this into practice. I dropped my usual aura “of fuck off and leave me alone”, and served drinks with a smile even past grumpy o’clock (which is ten pm) and when customers were so annoying I want to stab them in the eye with a fork. I have never stabbed anyone with a fork but my goodness students in a scream pub will bring you close. And lo and behold with little effort I hooked one. Now said hookee (that’s probably not a word) was not my usual type and had I not have been following Mother’s advice for once in my life I would not have received the most hilarious text message I have ever had the pleasure/pain to receive, so rough with the proverbial smooth.

Unavailable is attractive, in fact unavailable is pretty damn irresistable. Available on the other hand is repulsive. That’s just the way it is and it is that delicate balance between the two that makes someone the person you are eager to hear from or the person you can’t get far enough away from. It is amazing how swiftly a few text messages can send you from one pole to the other and how texty man managed to talk himself in and out of a date in a matter of about two days.

First couple of messages ok, we’ve established a date would occur once I’d seen next weeks rota and knew when I was free. Fine. Normal. Acceptable. But wait, are you sending me messages before I’ve replied to your first one? Yes you are, hmmmmm I’m not keen on that, seems a bit needy. Levels of repulsion increasing. Hang on, hang on, did you just send me a message saying ‘are you bored of me?’ because I haven’t replied to your incessant messaging. Oh you did. I’m thinking you might have answered your own question there, sweetheart. Repulsion climbing. What’s that you haven’t quite put the nail in the coffin yet so you thought you’d give it one more go? And here’s the beauty, the message that completely and definitely moves you without redemption to repulsive “Oy! Are you ignoring me, what have I done.” In and out of a date so very easily. Apparently normal to so very needy and dependent in a click of your fingers.

Now after the last message, I had slight fear texty man might be a bit stalkery so decided rather than just carrying on ignoring him I’d send a wee message just saying ‘date’s off see you later weirdy’ but you know, nicer. My friend and I composed the message over Nandos. Chicken helps me think. Does it fuck, I just love Nandos. I ate chicken and hid from my phone until the inevitable message tone indicated texty man had not yet grown tired of talking with his digits.

“Babe, I’m a DJ, I’m going to Ibiza for the season so don’t know what you expected”

Need I say more?

So, that was my forray into the world of dating. I didn’t even technically go on a date. Impressive. And what to remember for the future? Being judgmental means no textual stalkers and Mother definitely doesn’t know best.

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Tags: babe I'm a DJ, dating, judgmental, Mother doesn't know best